death has a certain advantage which we the living do not, the rest is silence ... Momento Moris are stories we tell about feeling like hell, or deader yet, feeling nothing at all; the gray wastelands and tunnel-visions where all the dead-ends meet -- however life, misery and everything changes all the rules which were dead forms and rituals to begin with -- you have to make your own fun, be your own Sun and shine in those dark places others are afraid to see ...
my uncertain suicide is a sort of revisionist angst writ large for the gray-wasteland people - a friend in his 60's is pensive and avoiding eye-contact while his twelve year-old daughter begs him to quit skirting the edges of that black-hole he's sporting and just dive-in -- there's a 'suicide' theme today and I'm writing like I don't really care what you all say ... an experiment while feeling trapped in the world of the living - he responded well to the poemeant and is coming for a visit - suicide is thematic today so I had to write away
as a teenager I held a knife to my chest with EMO fright for half a day -- I was very afraid throughout my thirties and around 42 had an epiphany that death was better off dead and I was just afraid to live -- however, surviving isn't a priority but evolving is and if I have to strip down to my core reality I'd do it in the silence of simplicity -- nevertheless, not feeling anything at all is part of the desperate attempt toward feeling anything at any cost of desperation, which is the credo of the 'I don't wanna grow old' crowd -- I remember emotions being so charged with the stresses and strainings of just growing-up and then just-growing old became lame and without any noble meaning: a sort-of gradual disappearing where people can't hear you talking anymore nor even notice you walking down the street -- the fear of disappearing and not meaning anything at all is the last form of narcissism packaged in self-deprecation - nonetheless, we do go through phase-state changes which include these unremarkable gray-wastelands which leaves us feeling better-off dead
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